WHO
WE ARE
Fake X is a privately held aerospace exploration entity founded in London, England, in 2020. We are staffed entirely by university-educated professionals with the correct qualifications, the correct equipment, and a complete inability to explain why none of it works.
Our peers — several of whom dropped out of school at 16, wrote their first operating system on an Amstrad CPC 464, and received their initial funding from entities whose registered addresses are PO boxes in Langley, Virginia — are currently on Mars. We are currently in a field in Hertfordshire. We have a plan.
THE MISSION
"To make humanity multiplanetary, using the correct academic credentials, properly sourced components, peer-reviewed methodology, and fully licensed software — and to document, in exhaustive detail, why this approach has so far produced results indistinguishable from not trying at all."
— FAKE X FOUNDING CHARTER, ARTICLE I, SECTION 1
THE PROBLEM
The founders of the world's most successful private space companies share a remarkably consistent origin story. They are, almost without exception, school dropouts. They grew up in garages. They wrote operating systems on Amstrad CPC 464s and Sinclair ZX Spectrum +2s at an age when the rest of us were doing GCSEs. They did not study The Science. They simply did things, broke things, and somehow received billions of dollars from investors who asked very few questions.
We went to university. All of us. Multiple times. We studied aerospace engineering, propulsion systems, astrophysics, and materials science. We have the certificates. We have the peer-reviewed papers. We have the correct software licences. We applied The Science exactly as The Science instructed. The Science has, to date, produced a rocket that reached four feet of altitude and a funding rejection rate of 100%.
The 18-year-old with the soldering iron and the suspicious early-stage funding is currently planning a Mars colony. We cannot get a CostCo card. We applied. We submitted the correct documentation. We were rejected. A space company that has exploded seventeen rockets has a CostCo card. We have verified this. We cannot explain it.
COMBINED UNIVERSITY DEGREES
Aerospace, Physics, Engineering, Communications. All accredited. All useless.
POSTGRADUATE QUALIFICATIONS
Including one PhD (incomplete). The university said it was "too ambitious." It was about going to space.
FUNDING APPLICATIONS SUBMITTED
VCs, government grants, angel investors, one crowdfunding campaign. All rejected.
COSTCO APPLICATIONS
Rejected. Reason given: insufficient trading history. We have been trading since 2020. This is unexplained.
DEEP STATE FUNDING RECEIVED
Unlike several of our competitors, whose early investors' registered addresses we have looked up. We are not saying anything.
"HOW CAN A SPOTTY 18-YEAR-OLD WITH VERY LITTLE GOING FOR THEM WALK INTO A BILLION-DOLLAR CONTRACT, WHILE WE CANNOT GET A COSTCO CARD?"
— FAKE X BOARD MEETING MINUTES, Q3 2022. QUESTION REMAINS OPEN.
OUR VALUES
QUALIFICATIONS
We have them. All of them. The certificates are framed. The degrees are real. The universities were accredited. None of this has helped. We are beginning to suspect qualifications are not the point.
THE SCIENCE
We studied The Science. We applied The Science. The Science, in our experience, works perfectly in peer-reviewed papers and not at all in a field in Hertfordshire at 6am on a Tuesday. We remain committed to The Science. The Science has not reciprocated.
PERSISTENCE
A spotty 18-year-old with a soldering iron and a suspicious amount of early-stage funding can apparently get to orbit on the third attempt. We are on attempt forty-seven. The gap is narrowing. Slowly.
TRANSPARENCY
We document everything. The launches. The landings. The incidents. The funding rejections. The CostCo application. All of it. Future generations will learn from this. Specifically, what not to do.
THE TIMELINE
Fake X founded in London, England, during The RONA Scam. Seemed like a good time to aim for space. Nowhere to go anyway. The founding team held a combined seven university degrees, four postgraduate qualifications, and one certificate in Advanced Excel. We were ready.
Applied for government aerospace grant. Submitted a 47-page technical prospectus, three years of projected financials, and letters of support from two professors. Rejected. A 19-year-old in California with a 3D printer and a YouTube channel received £340 million the same week. We noted this.
Our rocket reached an altitude of approximately 4 feet before reconsidering. We had done the maths. The maths was correct. The rocket had not read the maths. We called it a "controlled return to surface." The neighbours called the council.
Applied to three venture capital firms. All three asked if we had "dropped out of anything prestigious." We had not. We had stayed in. We had finished. We had the certificates. This appeared to be the problem. One VC asked if we had "a garage origin story." We had a laboratory. This was wrong.
Applied for a CostCo Business membership to purchase rocket components in bulk. Rejected. A space company in Texas with one successful launch and seventeen explosions has a CostCo card. We have checked. We cannot explain this.
Conducted internal analysis of competitor funding sources. Results: inconclusive but suspicious. Multiple rivals received initial capital from entities whose registered addresses are post office boxes in Virginia. We are not saying anything. We are simply noting it.
Launched this website. Primarily to prove to our families that something was happening. Also to document our missions for posterity. Posterity will find this very useful.
Discovered that the founder of a rival space company had written his first operating system on a Sinclair ZX Spectrum at age 14. We had been using peer-reviewed aerospace engineering software licensed from three universities. We began to suspect this was the issue.
Pivoted from "space company" to "aerospace exploration entity." Same rockets. Better business cards. Still no CostCo card.
Still here. Still qualified. Still baffled. The rocket is in the shop. The Science continues to not work in the way The Science said it would. We remain optimistic. We have no other option.
THE TEAM
DIRECTOR ZERO
CHIEF EXECUTIVE OFFICER
BSc Aerospace Engineering. MSc Propulsion Systems. PhD (incomplete — the university said the thesis was "too ambitious." The thesis was about going to space). Has read every Elon Musk biography. Owns three SpaceX hoodies. Technically more qualified than Elon Musk. Results pending.
OPERATIVE SIGMA
CHIEF TECHNOLOGY OFFICER
MEng Mechanical Engineering. Chartered Engineer. Fifteen years of aerospace industry experience. Has never written code on a Commodore 64 in a garage. This is, apparently, the problem. Currently learning to look more dishevelled in funding meetings.
AGENT DELTA
HEAD OF MISSION CONTROL
BSc Physics. MSc Astrophysics. Knows exactly why the rockets are not working. The Science agrees with her analysis completely. The rockets have not been informed. Responsible for all mission outcomes. Has not yet been held responsible for any mission outcomes.
SPECIALIST OMEGA
DIRECTOR OF COMMUNICATIONS
BA Communications. MA Strategic Narrative. Certified in Crisis Management, which has proven extremely useful. Manages all public-facing communications. You are currently reading their work. They studied for six years to write this. Please be kind.
JOIN THE MISSION
REGISTER AS AN OPERATIVE AND CONTRIBUTE YOUR OWN MISSION FOOTAGE TO THE ARCHIVE. CLEARANCE PENDING REVIEW.